On The Back of The Wildebeest
The Healing Power of Creativity
 

Introduction 

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The image of a Starling, a small bird that rides on the back of a Wildebeest, a buffalo-sized mammal, sets the visual stage for this book on creativity and trauma. A Beauty And The Beast story.  The Starling represents our creative spirit and soul, the essence of freedom, while the beast, heavy and earthbound represents the body of trauma we carry beneath our conscious, everyday selves. 
 

I define trauma as our emotional response to a deeply distressing or disturbing experience along with the body’s unresolved response to it. Shock or denial are typical responses, with longer-term reactions being erratic, or explosive emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, or a wide range of physical symptoms such as muscle tension or hyperactivity. 
 

In the wild, the Starling lands on the Wildebeest, eating bugs and parasites that would otherwise bother the creature. The beast provides this buffet for the bird. The bird is able to perch and rest while eating. The bird serves the beast, and the beast serves the bird. Their relationship is symbiotic. They complement each other while contrasting: light to heavy, free to bound, known to unknown, relatively harmless to potentially threatening. The bird swoops and dips in space, while the beast is bound to the earth with its feet rooted in the dirt and grime. 
 

In Greek mythology the wildebeest or Catoblepas was said to be a shaggy, sluggish creature with a heavy head that hung towards the ground. This was advantageous due to its deadly gaze. Anyone it fixed its bloodshot eyes upon would die immediately. It was said to emit fire from its nostrils and possess a lethal breath due to a diet of poisonous vegetation. This is a great metaphor for trauma, similar to Medusa, the winged female with living, venomous snakes in place of hair. Those who gazed into her eyes turned to stone.  The Greeks could well have been using these metaphors to describe terrifying, unexplainable, traumatic events and the fear, shame and intensity surrounding them. 
 

For me, the Wildebeest represents the body’s unconscious trauma. Parts of us take on the role of carrying these traumas allowing us to function in the world. These hidden parts hold mysteries and riches for us to discover and embrace.  They are the pathways to living a more integrated life.  

A client once imagined her traumas were stored in bins that were stacked to the ceiling in a rental storage unit.   Her everyday self was left pushing a wheelbarrow containing a pile of bones that was her skeleton self being pushed from place to place.  As with any rental, there is a cost to carrying these internal storage units. Over time the physical, emotional and energetic costs go up, the available space decreases, leaving us with less room to breathe, move, create and dream.

The seed of this book took root during the completion of my Master's Degree at York University in the early '80s. I arrived from a small, tight-knit community of artists in Saskatoon, where I was well known as a teacher and performer, and entered York, a vast, sprawling place where no one knew me. The transition revealed a gaping crack in my psyche. Like Humpty Dumpty, I fell and shattered. And now I'm grateful for that. That younger self had her limitations. She struggled with anxiety and was overwhelmed much of the time. She felt lost.
 

In those days, I was 'performing' to the outside world as if I was 'just fine.' I was struggling to finish my thesis while teaching with the Dance, Phys Ed. and Grad Theatre Depts. One of the courses I was taking,was Dance Therapy; a requisite for being in that class was that we would undergo  personal therapy. That simple requirement opened the door to a whole new world for me, leading to a rewarding new career as artist-healer.
 

In therapy, I discovered that I had stuffed parts of myself away from my everyday self that lived out in the world. It was a means of self-preservation, but to maintain the coverup, I had to lie, cheat, steal and deny as well as control and coerce myself and others around me into believing that I was a good person deserving of love and acceptance. Sounds like a lot of work? It was.

I believe most of us are working at least this hard much of the time to remain balanced on the tightrope of acceptability to ourselves and others. As I delved into these dark chambers of the shadow material that I was hauling around with me, I also discovered other parts of the self that were transcendent, otherworldly and spirited, full of creativity and mystery. 
 

Theatre is said to be about lying, cheating, and stealing, so it offered a creative space for me to explore the various parts of the lost self. One must recognize those words without negativity attached, only playful inquiry.  Through creativity, I was able to embrace the disowned parts and unite them with my everyday self. Bold, new confidence arose out of “unpacking the shit” as I had at one time named it. Now I know it's the gold, the grit that forms the pearl in the oyster. 

I made the transition from artist to teacher to therapist, each new career born from a series of breakthroughs that continue to this day. This book is one of those breakthroughs for me, a way of uniting the artist, teacher and therapist within and delivering a synthesized version of  'this is what I know about that.'
 

My hope for the readers of this book is that there is an infusion of  confidence and daring into their lives while waking up those sleeping or stored-away parts. These parts deserve to be heard, seen and mined for the richness they hold. These buried parts are calling us all of the time, physically, emotionally, creatively. We need to listen. Let's travel together to the deeper regions of the self and discover the gold. When you imagine a full-length magic mirror that reflects all the aspects of who you are, do you want to run and hide? Or do you feel genuinely excited and curious, ready to explore your deepest unknown parts through a variety of creative approaches? 

I love the line, “I’m an open book you just don’t know how to read.” Our hidden parts could say that to us. Their modes of communication are often not familiar to us; they may be speaking as a bodily ache or pain, an emotional longing or a feeling that something’s missing, without knowing what. If you’re thinking “there must be more to life” you are correct! There are parts of you that are waiting, patiently, for you to come and find them. Once they are released from their hiding places and are free to express themselves, you gain more access to creativity, happiness and health. 
 

The parts that you least like in yourself are the parts that most need your curiosity, acceptance and assistance — this, in turn, provides fuel for passion, creativity and healing. By reading this book and engaging with the exercises, I hope to convince you of that truth.  I will share with you stories of how these lost and scared parts of the self are found, helped and healed. I will draw upon personal anecdotes as well as the experiences of my clients and students.

To supplement the stories, I offer creative and emotional support, by reframing and refining your ideas and approach to the whole self and suggest practical exercises to help you get started on the path to freedom and wholeness. 
 

I also share techniques to help build the bravery and confidence needed to tackle inner critics, judges, and intense emotions you will inevitably meet along the way. Giving creative expression to these scared and wounded parts frees them of the traumas they carry both energetically and emotionally. We must never underestimate the power of creativity and its capacity to heal us, but we must also have a road map with us indicating the pitfalls and cracks in the road with a users guide ‘for what to do next.’ Through this book, I hope to show you the unlimited creative possibilities as well as some of the dips and curves in the road that you might encounter. 

The Body of the Book – the What, Why and How 

The book begins with my definition of creativity; that which is new and unknown. The nature of creating means that we are in uncharted territory and therefore not likely that comfortable. As humans, it's our nature to lean towards that which is familiar, allowing us to feel comfortable and safe.
 

To depart from our comfort zone, we need to have particular resources in place. These resources have to do with our thoughts, beliefs, emotions and sensations. We need to know how to steer our intellects, challenge our beliefs (many are obsolete) and, most importantly, be able to tolerate our felt sensations. 
 

Much of my work as a body-based psychotherapist is helping clients learn to tolerate their felt sensations—what they are feeling in the body. Those felt sensations may feel negative, even in positive situations.  The nervous system may register threat where there isn’t any. Intimacy and pleasure can trigger an uncomfortable sensation in the body, as easily as pain and suffering. 

An exploration into the unknown parts of the self, while supporting the potentially fearful parts that may surface in the process, is an art form in itself. Permission to enter is required of the inner protectors before they will let down their guard, allowing you to respond to impulses without scrutiny or a shutting down. As with a bird or a squirrel in a tree nearby, one fast move on your part and they’re gone. 
 

Through experimentation and observation, we can learn our unique defence style, what we require of ourselves to allow entry into our vulnerable, creative selves.  The treasures that await discovery are unimaginable. 
 

You have a unique voice and a unique path. This book helps to define your path through a multi-disciplinary approach with exercises at the end of each chapter that you can mix and match for the best fit for you. If you prefer writing, do the writing exercises. If you wish to branch out into movement, drama or visual art, you can do that. You don't need previous experience in any of the arts to work the process, only a curious mind and support for yourself if fears arise. 
 

This book also offers aid in addressing those fears right off the bat with helping strategies. It's a process-versus-product approach. In our creative practice, as artists, we often focus on the end result and not the moment that we are in; this stifles the creative impulse and limits our possibilities. 
 

In Chapters 5–8 we drill down into the specifics of healing through creativity, addressing core emotions of anger, fear, sorrow as well as deeper body level explorations of joy and discovering what wholeness is. In Chapter 9 we explore altered states of consciousness we can find ourselves in where the thin veil of one reality opens into other realities. 
 

I hope that this book becomes a companion for you on an adventurous journey in search of your complete self. Through this process, you will find healing and a new sense of freedom and wholeness. You can discover a unique capacity to embrace the detours and difficult passages with a freshness and strength that comes from your new and enhanced creative toolkit. I encourage you to welcome all that you meet of yourself along the way with curiosity, compassion and creative permission and know you will become brave and bold in the process. I believe you will learn to handle the inner critics and transform them into wacky characters, wild paintings and prophetic poems.
 

Let the creative journey begin!